Well, you've made it this far...now for the moment of truth! Can you handle the truth, or at least a Goat Tracker's interpretation of it?
Answers for the "front 9" survey:
1) If you answered "yes" and you've never played Keney, you didn't need to finish the survey; you're in rarefied Tracker air. If you answered "yes" only because you figured out the tie-in from the Keneyriffic Index on the home page, give yourself -10. If you answered "no", no harm, no foul.
2) We're all guilty of (a), give yourself +10 for being honest. If you answered (b) I'm sure someone will be asking you to assist in a criminal investigation in the not too distant future, -5; if you answered (c) and you weren't thinking about a par 3, well, that's what we all aspire to, but you're probably lying, only +5 for that answer.
3) This question doesn't count toward your score, it's more of a self-awareness question. Technically speaking, there is no incorrect response; however, one response is so wrong. If you answered "yes", it just means that you have no etiquette. No biggie, just press on and leave the camera phone in your car when golfing, Quagmire.
4) If you answered "yes", you are no stranger to the hazards that lurk on the Track, and although you may not necessarily factor in topspin, you've most likely benefited from and more importantly, appreciated it, +15.
5) Obviously (a) is incorrect and probably warrants summary execution in some social circles, or at least severe ball busting; stop scoring your answers now, for the greater good; (b) shows that you're a pensive Tracker who knows how to deal with adversity, +15; (c) means that you're familiar with the territory and an outside the box thinker, but a bit of a whiner, +5; (d) is the correct answer, +20.
6) Why belabor the point? If you answered (a) or (b), you haven't grasped one of the fundamental concepts of Goat Track golf, -10 (that universal truth is, "there is no break on a green at a public course!" [If you think there's a break, it's an optical illusion. As stated to the non-believers at the 2007 GT Open, trying to read the "break", "you ignore this universal truth at your own peril". They missed their putts by a mile, go figure]). If you answered (c), then you have learned a universal truth and those who cross your path should respect your wisdom, +20. side note: this pic illustrates what may happen if you spend too much time worrying about the break (that doesn't exist) on your putt and too little time figuring out the speed.
7) If you've actually resorted to using the "hand wedge" (a second cousin to the rollover in the rough) you rock! Give yourself +10 for not taking the esteemed rules of golf too seriously. On the flip side, if you felt that the hand wedge was your only option to keep from being closed out in a match, you're probably morally bankrupt and that can't be good over the long run, give the +10 back. If you rated yourself 2 thru 7, give yourself +5. If you rated yourself 8 or above, you're just showing off, no style points awarded for that.
8) This was a leading question, any potential Tracker in his right mind should've answered (d) for +15. That said, (e) gets 2 bonus points just for having range balls in the bag. Answering (a) is worth +8 as long as they're not V1's or anything over $40/dozen. I'm not sure whether Pinnacle still makes balls that are targeted to the high end of the market (based on what I've done to them, they shouldn't); if you answered (c) +8. The only wrong answer is (b), which is worth -20 and here's why...the unbearably omnipresent marketing of all things "swoosh" grates on my nerves. Furthermore, since the "swoosh" folks bought the Converse brand, it's nearly impossible to find a pair of old school off-white Chuck Taylors at a retail outlet, never mind that the ones you can find are at least $40 for a pair of shoes that cost next to nothing to make and require absolutely zero marketing. Absolutely unconscionable.
9) This question is worth 30 points if you had the right answer. An outing at the GT isn't always a love fest, especially when it's mano a mano. Sometimes you have to own up to the fact that you're not only out there to have a good time, but that enjoyment would be significantly increased by crushing your opponent. It's cathartic. Admit it and you'll feel better. That said: (c) is a cop out, unless you have a specific tactic in mind, no points; (b) is pretty obvious and far too common, no points awarded for that either (same goes for popular variations such as rattling the clubs in your bag or dropping your bag at an opportune moment); (a) is a little more subtle and occasionally provides the desired effect, +5; (d) is the correct answer, +30, because it taps into many aspects of gamesmanship, most most importantly, toying with an opponent's confidence in a crucial situation. This was taught to me by a zen master in the Avon Men's League a long time ago; unfortunately, my ability to "take the pebble" has been lacking.
Since this is a self-scored survey, if you think you've convinced yourself that you have what it takes to be a Tracker, congratulations! If you scored more than 40 points in this mess, you've done well and are probably a Tracker, even if you aren't aware of it, or don't want to be.
The New Goat Tracker Survey, (a/k/a the back 9)
Well, if you're "making the turn" from the front 9 of the survey, hopefully you've stopped for a dog and a beer before pressing onto the back. Time to see how well you fared on the back 9.
The Answers:
1) Track Management:
a) It's always a good idea to have a bunch of range balls in your bag and most Trackers carry at least three at any given time, but unless you're playing Shattuck, where you're bound to lose at least a dozen balls, or play is so slow that you have time to fire a few random shots into the surrounding neighborhood (not advisable at Keney, [return fire in the north end is most likely not from a 5-iron]), this shouldn't be your most important consideration (+2).
b) BCC trips are always an important consideration, as noted by the group's disappointment in Amelinda at the 2007 UGTO, but a good Tracker has a sixth sense for the potential dis by the BCC and is always prepared (+2)
c) When push comes to shove, a true Tracker kind of looks forward to finishing a round after sunset when necessary, especially during the week of the summer solstice. This was sort of a misleading answer, i.e., a Tracker would never bring a miner's helmet, but generally can determine how much or little sunlight (or moonlight) will be available at the end of a round (+4).
d) The "tree factor" is important for several reasons. Among them 1) "best shot off a tree" has been the most important "kicker" at GT Minor events for the past couple of years 2) as noted by Sherpa JB, who has spent considerable time playing on the left coast, there is no comparison in terms of Track Acumen as it relates to the difference between hitting over/around a palm tree to get back into play vs. trying to navigate over/around/through the "85% air" of an oak, maple, willow or other deciduous obstacle that lurks on a Northeastern Goat Track (+6).
2) Breaches of Golf Etiquette:
a) If you think you're being clever, rolling it in the rough is generally bush league, but occasionally acceptable and in some circles is mandatory (see the "grass rule" [More Tracks/Keney]). Rolling in the trap is generally less acceptable, but there are exceptions. In general, being a stickler on the "sacred rules of golf" earns you no Track Cred and isn't earning you any points here (+0).
b) The "bag drop" and its annoying relatives, "club drop", "moving the flag", and "fake sneeze/random cough" are also piss-ant breaches, possibly worse (-2)
c) "Shadow puppets" on the tee box or green are a bit more creative and usually involve advance warning, which makes them completely above board (+5); run of the mill shadows, not so clever (-2)
d) The "half-finished story" is more subtle and occasionally more annoying than the previous three combined (+6). A typical example, as employed by Tracker DM, generally goes like this, "So I was out with this girl the other night and she's (fill in the blank as you see fit) ...and...no, go ahead, I didn't mean to interrupt. Hit your shot and I'll finish the story." Fortunately for those on the receiving end of this ploy, one can, after repeated exposure, develop immunity to this tactic.
3) Errant Tee Shots:
a) You chose "a"? Really? You've got to be shittin' me. The only premise that makes this answer marginally plausible is one that I heard from a former classmate who played some golf while working for the U.S. State Department in Pakistan. The story goes..."you bring one ball to the course and no matter where it goes, one of your caddies will find it." On domestic soil, this person zero Tracking credentials and the idea of having not just one, but two caddies should be anathema to any Tracker, but anyone who's willing to peg it up in that region of the world apparently has enough sack to make the caddy thing plausible (score: unless you've golfed in India, Pakistan or Afghanistan, -20; if you have +15).
b) This is an indicator of good wilderness survival instincts, which can be helpful at the UGT on any given day (+3 for the answer, -4 for killing a squirrel, net -1).
c) Track Acumen is incredibly important; can't emphasize that enough and shouldn't need to (+6).
d) Ahhhh, grasshoppahhhh...you may be on the verge of self-awareness in recognizing that the outlier is the norm and vice versa. Very Zen (+5).
4) The Practice Green:
a) No one can fault a person for trying to get a feel for speed on the greens; the fault lies in thinking that you can do it on the practice green (-5). See the "Costanza Constant" on the Traq FAQ page for a more detailed explanation.
b) In all seriousness, if that's at all possible here, there isn't a GT Sherpa who would criticize someone for trying to find a better putting stroke in an attempt to "become one with the Track." Aside from that, spending time on the putting green is like practicing free throws in an empty gym and taking your next one during overtime with Dukie V. screaming at you, i.e., it doesn't help and will probably only annoy you later (+0).
c) This is the easiest way out, the most convenient, and the most logical. It greases the skids for the round and shows your general disregard for both the course and how you will play it (+5).
d) If you felt obligated to check the bag upon your arrival at the putting green, you may as well check the more important bag you carry to see whether there's anything left there. Tees, or at least the 3/8" stumps that you need to tee off, are readily available on any tee box and if you're good, you'll find a ball or two to replace the ones you shank o.b. (+0).
5) Weather (Tracking Conditions):
a) Shows good attention to detail, as a way to determine whether the course is open and/or there is a fall back position should things get ugly out there; however, not critical (+1).
b) If
you invoke the Blutarsky rant from Animal House, you are clearly
focused on motivating both yourself and your group to overcome
adversity (+6). c) Although it may seem cheap to squeeze a free round out of the Track, it usually ends up being the most memorable round of the year (or close to it) and/or the best round played either a month prior or following (+5).
d) Remembering
Lee Trevino's famous comment about being struck by lightning on the
course, "even God can't hit a 1-iron," should be worth something here,
but not it's not worth much (+1).
6) Tee Box Divots:
a) If you could put the Vieques reference into context, you truly have an appreciation for how sandy and crater-filled a Goat Track tee box can be and are clearly nonplussed by that (+6).
b) On the one hand, you appreciate the pseudo-irony, on the other, your attitude sucks (-3).
c) Similar to "a", in that you not only expect the tee boxes to be challenging, but also maintain a good sense of humor about it (+4)
d) Reflects a good overall approach and a realization that 1) if you're using a tee you don't really need grass and 2) you can get pretty good backspin hitting out of a sand-filled divot (without a tee) on a par 3 (+3).
7) Driving Accuracy:
a) If you get a poison ivy shot solely for golf, you may have lost your grip on reality. Seek help (-4).
b) A Tracker should always have some range balls in his bag, so this answer is only worth (+2).
c) Basically the same score and rationale as for answer "a" (-4); if you got LASIK surgery because Tiger had the same procedure (-11) and this site is definitely not for you.
d) Turning a negative into a positive. This is at the core of being a certified Tracker and demonstrates your confidence in your Track Acumen (+6).
e) Only dignifies a response if you've received floating golf balls as a gag gift; they're only intended for a long drive contest into a body of water (since that wasn't part of the question, -3)
8) Tree Shots:
a) A good Tracker, on a good day, can visualize the bank shot off the trees...and even if he can't pull it off, probably deserves credit for trying (+4).
b) This is the sane answer and as unlikely as it may seem, perfectly acceptable (+4). If you're playing with a bunch of ballbusters who won't give you relief from a lie up against a root, you may need to find new friends.
c) This is a mantra among Trackers. Find the 85% that's air; It could be around the trunk; it could be through the leaves, doesn't matter how you get there, just find it (+5).
e) If you answered "e", this is some sort of Jedi mind trick in that it's a hell of a lot easier to hit around a palm tree than a maple (as noted in the Track Management question above) and demonstrates good visualization skills, either that or you hallucinate easily (+5).
9) The 19th Hole:
a) Irrelevant, (+0) It's all about having the proper mindset; a good Tracker knows that the 19th can be wherever he wants it to be
b) No points deducted for "trunk slamming" unless you make an annoying habit of it (+0).
c) We all enjoy a micro-brew once in a while, but to make that something that determines the worth of a 19th hole is unthinkable (-2). (If only they'd bring back Schlitz to the 19th at Stanley...)
d) This only counts if you're sitting outside, preferably fighting off a swarm of mosquitoes (then again, if you finished late enough, the mosquitoes subside after dark) (+5). Although there are many great spots to have a beverage and watch the last group come in, the two favorites are 1) the GT [because there's a 1 in 5 chance that a ball will end up in the cart corral] and 2) EHGC because it is you can soak it all in, only to eventually realize where you are, which is east of the River.
e) There are many "Keney Afficianonados" who were unfamiliar with any 19th hole for that Track other than the "dance repertory theater" on the West Service Road 5 minutes from Keney. That said, the consensus was that "Dakota's" and "Summer's" never got high Q-scores because they tended to be generic and uninteresting compared to some of their counterparts; therefore , if you picked "e" you f'd up by trying to be too clever (+2).
f) "none of the above" was the correct answer because the 19th hole is determined not by where you are, but who you're hanging out with to compare cards, etc.(+8)
Since this is a self-scored survey, if you think you've convinced yourself that you have what it takes to be a Tracker, congratulations! If you scored more than 40 points in this mess, you've done well and are probably a Tracker, even if you aren't aware of it, or don't want to be. If you did the full loop and cleared 80, you rock!
